Big huge selfish baby

On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, I'd rank my attitude at a 2. 

Yeah, I'm not in a good place. I'm angry, annoyed, sad and frustrated. I'm selfish and unreasonable. 

I recognize I'm my own worst enemy in this deployment, but it's not like I can't stop my own feelings. My emotions don't listen to reason. They have their own life. 

I did really good the first month. I kept busy, had some breaks from the kids and was really gung-ho on the fact that I was going to be just fine. The second month was a little harder. I still kept busy, had a birthday and my high school reunion, etc. but was starting to feel the effects of the deployment at home a little more. Then the start of month 3 hit, and I'm not in a good spot. 

I don't know if it was the realization that I haven't seen Dale on his or my own birthday since I was pregnant with Macy. He hasn't been home for either of Macy's two birthdays, and we will have spent 2 of our 3 wedding anniversaries apart. 

It could be that I'm beginning to feel the wear/tear of taking care of the entire household alone. I have to have childcare set up before I can mow my own lawn. I haven't used the weed eater all summer because I can't get it to work. If I'm lucky, I get a shower once every 2.5 days and baths are completely out of the question unless the kids aren't here. I must remember to take out the trash, pay all the bills, ensure the kids and dog have all they need. I'm the only cleaner, cooker, laundry do-er and folder. I fixed the tub, only for the garage door to break that same night. I have to fix a lock on a gate. I still have to get one of our cars and our house fixed from that hailstorm in May. 

I'm stressed out with work. It's been a very busy month and I'm feeling very undervalued. No, that's not the right word. I feel like I can do so much more, but I'm not getting it. It's very discouraging. 

I'm also discouraged by people in general. Very few people ask me how the kids and I are doing. It's like we're the forgotten piece of this deployment puzzle. Why it bothers me, I don't know. I don't like attention anyway, and I'm most likely going to lie and say we're doing good, just keeping busy. But still, what if I wasn't doing ok? What if I did need help? No one would know, because they never ask. 

Of course, to be fair, I have the option of asking for help. But I have a little thing called pride that it's hard for me to get past. It's my own unreasonable demon I've always struggled with. I don't like asking for help. I'm not too proud to accept it if it's offered, but for me to ask for help, I've got to be at a point where I have no other options. My husband will even tell you that I have a problem asking for things. It's a really dumb thing of mine, especially in a situation like this. 

Hopefully this weekend, I'm able to bring my attitude back up to a normal level. I'm sure just having a relaxing day without anything to do will be just the thing I need, but until then, I'm going to sit here here and feel sorry for myself. Because I'm a big huge selfish baby.