Wednesday was the start of deployment month 5 and to be honest, I'm completely over it already.
It's definitely one of those things that you cannot really understand until you've been there. I know that sounds so cliche, but it's true. Prior to this deployment, I thought I would be totally fine. I mean Dale's been gone weeks or months at a time before and I did just fine, right? Yeah, I'm stupid.
There is a HUGE difference between your spouse being away and your spouse being away in a war zone. What in the crap was I thinking that I'd be totally fine?
As the main support for my dearest soldier, I get to hear things that make my stomach drop. Things that play huge roles in my emotions and attitude on any given day. These are the things you can't really prepare for beforehand. Stuff that goes down there isn't pretty, or fair, or right, because well, it's called a war for a reason.
I think that as humans, one of our greatest strengths is our ability to adapt, and I think that term perfectly describes how I am doing at the start of month 5. I'm adapting. The situation isn't ideal, but I'm adjusting as I go. We all are.
As time goes, I'm learning a lot about myself and my capabilities. The thing I'm probably most proud of is my new found ability to get through my anxiety and call people I don't know to accomplish something. Prior to Dale leaving, if a business or something needed called, I'd make him do it, or if he wanted me to do it, I'd put it off for so long that he'd just do it anyway. I'm not sure why a simple phone call intimidates me so. I guess I'm a weirdo.
I'm keeping really busy between work, freelance and the kids. This seems to help time move and it keeps my mind occupied. I'm getting better at balancing all the balls I'm juggling and even my house seems to be slightly cleaner lately. Although that could be due to the fact that I have way more energy during this second trimester than I had in the first. I've been reading a lot more again too. It kind of ebbed there for a while.
Over recent weeks, I was able to get the living/dining rooms painted (as you know), the house got re-roofed with minor issues and we got all new gutters, Dale's car finally got fixed from that hailstorm in May and Macy got a big girl bed, which she loves. I've been really into supporting local businesses in most of my endeavors and it's really paid off for me. The bed was delivered for free, my local contractor was able to fix some issues on the roof that whoever the last contractor was neglected to do, and the owner of the local body shop was able to save us a significant amount of money by tracking down used glass for the sunroof and side window of Dale's car. I'm hiring a guy from a nearby town to paint our garage doors too. I'm extremely glad I'm living somewhere there are actual nice people. It makes this whole thing a lot easier on me.
Communication between Dale and I is great... when the internet gods are happy. We've run into a lot of issues when it comes to things like phone calls or video chat. At the moment, for Dale to make a call, he has to walk about 6 blocks to the USO (I think) and use their phone for the 30 minute allotted time. I was blessed to receive such a call last night, after a few weeks without. Our main form of communication is email, but once again, it's all on the whim of his internet working. This month I think it's been working 80% of the time. It's quite irritating because to have internet there, we have to pay for it. It's not free, which I guess I always thought it was, and it's extremely irritating that it only works part of the time.
Overall things seem fine, but inside my head things are a mess. I'm exhausted at the end of each day and I'm about a second away from crying at any given moment. This pregnancy probably isn't a help either when it comes to managing my emotions. Some days I feel as if I just check out mentally. I think if I didn't have the kids here, it would be a lot harder to focus on my priorities. They really keep me on track and amaze me with their own abilities to adapt.
We're going to have some tough months ahead, with the upcoming holidays and all, but we'll continue to just keep on keeping on I guess. Although I underestimated the exact toll this deployment has played on my emotions, I'm confident that here in Nebraska, we'll make it through just fine.
If you need to cry, let yourself - I know I always feel better after a good cry. :) I can't imagine how hard this is for you as my hubby did his army days before I met him. You're doing awesome. Remember to be kind to yourself and remind yourself that it's okay to be down sometimes.
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