Facts of life of a not-so-single parent

We all die. Women have babies. Men are selfish. Some things are just facts of life. Tonight, as I ran through the house dripping wet, with one leg half-shaved, to attend to my crying daughter, a new facts of life list came to me.

Facts of Life of a not-so-single parent:

1. An uninterrupted shower will never happen. Each night, after I finally get the kids to sleep, I find time to sneak in a shower. This is kind of an important part of my day. I get to wind down a bit and who doesn't like to be clean? But each night, as I'm lathering up my hair or shaving my legs, I hear a child's cry and I'm forced to bail out of the tub dripping wet and full of soap to find a pacifier or a special blue blanket that somehow got lost in the 4 minutes I was taking for myself.

2. An entire night's rest is not allowed. This fact goes further in that if you're super tired, your kids will both wake up multiple times a night, and if for some fluke they don't, you still wake up multiple times a night out of habit. Also in this category is if one child sleeps in, the other won't, and they'll take turns.

3. The very moment you fall asleep is when the baby wakes up. In my life, this is a guaranteed occurrence. How Macy knows the minute I fall asleep, I don't know, but it's happened everyday for the past 10 months, 4 days.

4. The kids can smell you if you're gone. Ok, so I'm not sure if it's their sense of smell that does it, but somehow, even if they've been just fine playing alone, or sleeping for hours in their crib, if you sneak away, they will know if you leave the room and they will come find you. There's no getting away ever.

5. Your child will always have to poop at the most in opportune times. I don't think I need to go into detail.

6. Wearing a dark colored shirt equals being a personal napkin for your kids. I did this today actually. I wore a black shirt and it was only after attending a very busy (ie: lots of parents) swim lessons and talking to a nice lady who came to my door, did I realize that both of my shoulders and the front of my shirt were covered in what looked like the remnants of snot, slobber, and mushed up animal crackers. Add in my crazy hair and I bet I impressed a lot of people today. Ya, I looked good...

7. Your kid will embarrass you. Recently, my dear son has had some pretty bad judgment calls. He's informed a few larger people they were fat, called some other people morons (I don't even know where he heard that word), and pulled down his pants and peed off of the merry-go-round at the park. Since he's only 4, he doesn't really understand how it all works, and as his only parent here at the moment, it all falls back on me. Yeah, it's pretty embarrassing.

8. The one time you're in a hurry, your kid will not cooperate. If I'm not in a hurry, my children will be ready and waiting for me, but if I am in a hurry, that's the time they think that playing with that McDonald's toy from last year is way more important than putting on pants. So frustrating.

I'm sure there are more things I can add to this list, but it's late and I'm tired. I really need to get rule 3 out of the way so I can get through rule 4. We have story time in the morning too, so I'll probably be in a hurry and forget about rule 6 as I get dressed, then have to deal with rule 8 in getting out the door. Once we arrive at our destination, rule 5 will happen, resulting in rule 7 and when I get home and attempt to have 5 minutes for myself, rule 4 will come into play. I will end the night with rule 1 and they cycle will continue it's loop-de-loop through my life. This is a fact!