I find myself fighting a dark place. I've been very irritable. I don't care about things I normally would. It's like everything's on hold until Dale leaves and I can pick up all the pieces and restructure our lives. I'm annoyed by the attention this deployment is giving us, but at the same time am thankful that people actually care enough to offer help or prayers.
I've been avoiding people so I don't have to talk about it. When Parker has swim lessons, I know I should be chatting up the other moms, but I don't because I can't put on that brave face right now. I sit by myself on the sidelines with something to read, so I look busy and no one will talk to me. Isn't that terrible?
It's a tried and true method of avoidance I've used my whole life. It's gained me the reputation of being bitchy or unfriendly, but it's better than actually having to talk about the demons facing me in life. Because if I have to talk about it, I'll lose it. Any control I had over my emotions will be gone and I'll cry until I can't cry anymore. Nobody wants to see that side of me.
You'll have to bear with me as I navigate this new chapter in our life. I'll inevitably say the wrong thing, react in the wrong way or push people away. I'm far from perfect. If it's your prerogative to nitpick the things I do and say, keep your thoughts to yourself. Sharing them with me or my family does nothing but make you lose footing in our lives.
My dad used to always say, "I am what I am, just like ol' Popeye." I think that just about sums it up for me. Like me as I am, tolerate my downfalls, embrace my strengths. Don't judge me. Don't compare me. There is only one me, and my past has made me what I am today. I'm honest, I work hard, I love my family, and I love my God. I embrace my humor. On the flip side, I'll freely admit I'm moody, emotional, dramatic, sarcastic and conceited. If you ask my family to describe me, I think they'd use the same words. That's Gail. That's me.
My strengths are what will carry us through this deployment. My weaknesses are what's going to cause issues. It's a battle I'll constantly have, and it's one where my avoidance coping mechanism will rear it's ugly head. So as I fight this dark place I'm in, know it's just me fighting the inevitable. I'll emerge with a brave face.
Eventually.
Such an honest post, Gail. Sometimes, we have to use the coping mechanisms that we're familiar with and that work to get through stuff. I can't imagine what you're going through as my husband's army days and time in war were before we got married. But just know that I'm thinking about you. You are strong - you will get through this.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a lot in common with most people. Though we are all unique in our own way - we are all the same on some levels. We all have our own way of coping.
ReplyDeleteWe are all "who we are" and I think everyone feels the same in regards to 'take me as I am, don't judge ... when you do you lose ground.'
I believe humans are very adaptable - we naturally learn to do what we have to do to to make, get or keep peace in our minds and hearts; and to to make it through whatever life throws at us.
I wanted to stop by and say hey while we were back but I knew that you probably needed time to yourself during this difficult time. It's my coping mechanism also to just avoid people altogether---and I too have been labeled bitchy and unfriendly sometimes. Did you read The Introvert Advantage? It gave some interesting tips to help in those situations. For me when I'm dealing with great stress, dealing with people is too emotionally taxing and draining. Anyway, I'm thinking of you and I hope all goes well!
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