We're a little more than 11% of the way through this deployment** and the main thing I'm feeling is frustration.
I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to get a grip on my emotions. I'm frustrated that I'm bothered by things that most likely don't matter. I'm frustrated by people's lack of empathy and understanding. But most of all, I'm frustrated that I feel alone when I know I'm not.
Our lives didn't stop when Dale left, but they did change. A lot. I'm taking care of everything here now. I'm navigating the maze of homeowners insurance and contractors to fix the hail damage we received in May. Im dealing with broken drains, killing bugs, getting groceries, mowing, laundry, dishes, cleaning, kids, dog, bills, the list goes on and on. I'm working full time, freelancing, babysitting, and I've taken on designing the FRG newsletter each month. I'm running two 5k's this month, attending my 10 year reunion alone, attempting to finish removing wallpaper in my kitchen, and I really need to find time to get the oil changed in my car. Plus, I have drama from a past life pressing on my sanity. It's just a lot to do alone.
I miss my nightly phone call from Dale. After 6 years of him being here, there and everywhere, that was the one thing in my day I knew I could count on. Now I'm lucky if I get one phone call a week. Sure, we can email, but it's not the same as a phone call. We're trying to make it work, but it's hard to have a conversation over email. I miss having his help. I miss having him here. I just miss him.
I know I'm not the first person to go through this and I'm not going to be the last, but this is the first time I've ever had to do it, and I'd be lying if I said everything's great.
I'm not overwhelmed necessarily, but I'm not having an easy time either. It's really hard to explain. People always say if you need anything just let me know, but how can I ask for something when I don't even know what it is I need?
I guess it's time to break out the Chicken Soup for the Military Wife's soul. I've been saving it for a moment like this. Maybe it'll give me some insight into this life. Leave it to me to turn to a book rather than people right? Some days I wonder about myself.
**Well that is if it stays just 9 short months and doesn't get extended. Nothings guaranteed in the Army.
Sending prayers your way, Gail. I know this can't be easy. I also know you're one of the strongest women I know. You'll get through this. But take time to do something just for YOU - not the kids or your family or your friends - just YOU. You need to show yourself kindness, too. :)
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